The True Reason Why You Are Self-Sabotaging

As a life and business coach, I often hear people talk about self sabotage. After the initial smalltalk at the start of the session, my first question is usually related to how the past days or weeks have been for the client since our last session, and what progress they have made with their homework (taking action is the single most determining factor of coaching success, along with the quality of rapport between coach and client).

My initial question is often met with a sheepish smile. The gaze is fixed downwards as the client guiltily admits they have done pretty much anything else, except of the one thing they agreed at the previous session would make the biggest difference towards achieving their goals.

Clients may talk about specific actions they aim to take to improve their lives. They may want to meditate more, or to do more yoga or introduce a new exercise regime. We will sit together and plan goals and actions. We will work out a specific, realistic and time bound action plan, check what can get in the way and mitigate for these potential obstacles. The client appears motivated and keen to make the change. Yet the change doesn’t happen.

As coaches we have a supportive relationship with our clients. Like a sports coach who prepares the sportswoman on the training ground and gives her instructions before the game, we are there to set the scene for success and cheer the client to get them in the right frame of mind to win. However, once the game starts, the client is now on their own and it’s up to them to do what needs to be done in order to succeed. With the coach unable and unwilling to be constantly around like a Big Brother in order to give guidance, standards can slip and firm commitment loosened.

When the client and I pull out the looking glass to work out what got in the way, all sorts of reasons are given why they didn’t get round to doing what they agreed should be definitely done only a few weeks ago. But the reasons sound like excuses:

* I was interrupted

* I got busy

* I had a rough week

* I woke up too late

The explanation is often simpler: the way the client approached the task or activity didn’t align with their values or overall vision. If you approach your physical exercise or yoga as a chore when ‘having fun’ is important in your life, you will end up resenting it and not doing it. If you feel forced to get up earlier in order to do what you committed to because you feel you have to, your unconscious mind will come up with all sorts of excuses.

I can give more examples. There are the professionals who have identified that their biggest pain point is finding more clients. However, they are not putting in the work to find clients, despite being clear on their action plan. They procrastinate because they haven’t quite figured out who their ideal client is, or because their business activities don’t align with their mission, what they REALLY want to do (rather than what they are expected to do).

There are the clients who stay in destructive or negative relationships despite constantly repeating to themselves and the world that they deserve better. But deep in themselves, they value the relative security that relationship brings higher than their freedom or independence.

Because of all of the above, working on the client’s core values and vision is high on my agenda. The work saves a lot of time as self-awareness about what drives people in life, helps them to approach things differently.

Whenever you find yourself wondering why you are not making any progress with a task, ask yourself whether your actions and habits are in line with the core values you want to be living by, as well as your vision of how you wish to run your personal and professional life. Then realign your goals and plans so that your actions and habits become more consistent with your overall vision.

Purpose is about why we do what we do. Values are how we achieve our purpose. Frequent actions become habits. Habits are what we do every day that reflects our purpose and values. The following diagram gives you an idea of how all these different aspects are hierarchically related:

The Vision-Action Pyramid

A relatively easy way of finding out what your values are, is by using the chunking up method of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). This is a process of expansive exploration for higher meaning. Ask yourself what the purpose or intention of your behaviour is. Keep asking for this higher meaning and if you get stuck, then ask yourself ‘what is this an example of?’ Once you can’t ask any further questions without repeating yourself, you have identified a core value which drives your behaviour.

If you are repeatedly failing to create a positive habit of doing something you feel strongly you should already be doing, take some time to reflect on the higher values that guide your life. If having fun is one of your core values and your goal is to lose weight or improve your physical condition, you may consider putting some favourite motivational music on, to get you in the mood for your exercise regime. Or you may want to attach physical exercise to another activity which is more ‘fun’ (e.g. reward yourself with a small treat after the activity).

More complex values that are difficult to weigh up against each other (such as security versus freedom in the example above) might need some additional work to unpick, and therapy or coaching are often of great assistance in that case. But raising your awareness about what drives you in life, will create much of the clarity you need in order to help you make choices which lead to the life you truly want.

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help solopreneurs and therapists who experience the stress of overwhelm and burnout to find freedom, fulfilment and clarity.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or schedule a free 30 minute call with me at https://calendly.com/kostasthecoach/30min

My Story: How I Came to Help People Overcome Adversity and Find Personal Freedom

I have always believed in personal freedom and everyone’s right to be given the space and time to become the best version of themselves. At the age of 15, I was already on a mission to become a psychotherapist. Way before my classmates had figured out what they really wanted to do, I had taken the decision to study psychology. I wanted to understand how people think and behave, in order to help them.

When I embarked on my clinical psychology studies, it was like a home coming. I felt that I had already found my mission in life. But nothing could be further from the truth. While I became well versed in the science of psychology, its methodology, research methods and theories, I burned myself out in the process. My dream of becoming a therapist shattered right in front of my eyes. Once I had started to study and understand therapeutic practice, it all seemed too laborious, long and focused in the past to me. I didn’t have the attention span, nor the patience to follow through a therapeutic intervention all the way until the end. I was looking for a leaner, practical, more present-focused holistic process, and I couldn’t find that in the therapy approaches I was introduced to.

However, my mission of helping people didn’t die with my dream of becoming a therapist; I continued doing what I wanted to do: helping people improve their lives and find happiness and satisfaction. I started working as Research Assistant on a project focused on increasing the wellbeing of stressed and burned out teachers, before my personal circumstances changed and I moved from Belgium to the United Kingdom.

What do you do when you move into another country where you don’t have any work contacts yet? You volunteer! Volunteering is powerful and inspiring. It’s a great gift to be able to put your skills into practice in order to help people in need and transform their lives. Being a volunteer also led to my first job in the United Kingdom, as street crime caseworker for the victim’s services. There I had the privilege of witnessing the miracle of transformation and change unfolding in front of my eyes. People who had been stuck for years in a detrimental mindset and destructive behaviours, transformed their lives within moments just by taking the decision that they wanted something different than what they had been experiencing thus far. Once the decision was taken, change occurred an accelerated quickly.

Along with my career path, a personal transformation was also taking place. As an introvert, I had to overcome many personal barriers in order to help others: my own limiting beliefs about my own abilities, my impostor syndrome (classic issue for most coaches and therapists, as I discovered later) , shyness. But never once did I question people’s ability to change and transform into anything they chose to.

I soon discovered as a senior manager and team leader working with teams, that individual performance increased when staff members were coached to find answers and solutions with me in a supportive role, rather than me taking the lead and telling them what to do. This gave them control and helped them own up to their roles, tasks and processes. Coaching was key, and I finally discovered my preferred method of helping people achieve their goals. I then went on to become a Life and Business Coach and NLP Practitioner.

At the same time, I gained appreciation for the power of team work and collaboration and found out that it leads to better results. It’s always preferable to get people on board rather than getting into conflict with them. The same applies to working as a musician and composer. In my musical work, I exercise creativity and personal freedom and seek absolute control about the creative process. However, collaborations almost always yield better results. The whole is more than the sum of its parts, when working together towards a bigger goal, such as recording an album or organising a tour.

With the years, I have been drawn more and more into working with small and ethical businesses as they make the world a more diverse and unique place. I understand the struggle of solopreneurs and small business owners as it’s similar to the struggle of creatives: they are people who are very skilled at their craft and niche, but when it comes to it, they often don’t know how to market their products and services!

Witnessing this struggle with the people I worked with, I went on to study digital marketing in order to be able to help them market their products and services more effectively. The principles of marketing are universal and can be applied equally to music, coaching, and small business.

But I felt I was still lacking something, despite my fresh marketing knowledge and understanding. I was lacking business experience. Naively, upon my move from England to Wales, I decided to buy and run a beauty business. I did this for over a year. Sadly, the business failed due to the pandemic. Some hard lessons were learned; first of all, make sure your business is always aligned with your values and beliefs. In my case, the business I took over was set up by the previous owner on very different values than mine, and the clash of values often caused cognitive dissonance. I wanted to help people to be happier and more confident about themselves, but not in this way. You need to find the right intersection of doing what you love, while remaining aligned to your values and at the same time, making the profit you decided your deserve. This includes working with the clients you love to work with. And whilst you are at it, ensure these are also the clients that are able to pay for what you decide your services are worth. Pricing is a big thing in retail, and if you don’t set it up correctly, you set yourself up for failure.

Business failure gave me personal understanding of hardship and the low point of being in the midst of adversity: guilt, feeling inadequate, stress, desperation, the crashing of a dream of having financial and personal independence.
It also taught me that everyone can bounce back from it. This might not seem likely whilst you are in the midst of failure and adversity. But it’s important to keep believing that there is a way out, because there always is. There is help out there and your failure already contains the seeds of your future success. All you need is a mindset shift, just like the people that inspired me in my previous work for the victim’s services, and an action plan.

As a trained coach I learned to focus on solutions and in developing a practical mindset to tackle obstacles. As an NLP practitioner, I learned to trust in the unlimited resources of my unconscious. I am now guiding people to do the same.

Even in the midst of the greatest adversity, it’s possible to shift your mindset quickly and focus on positive outcomes with the help of a coach. Once your mind has decided on the change, the new found sense of control helps you to accelerate this process. The river becomes a funnel and flows quickly into the sea of unlimited potential. I’m just there to guide you and feel privileged to be part of the process. People always underestimate what they can achieve in a short period of time. But once the mindset has shifted, there is no way back. You have been transformed and you are a different person with all new found knowledge, skills and confidence.

I love witnessing this process of transformation, and helping people to go through it. It’s now crystal clear to me that this is my mission in life.

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help solopreneurs, therapists and coaches find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, amplify the voice of creative people and assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.

7 Questions to Help you Create the Best Version of Yourself

Many of us are currently at a crossroads. The unprecedented global pandemic has forced us to step back and reflect upon our lives in a way we haven’t been able to do since a long time. Ancient routines have been abandoned and new ones are being formed. We are reviewing the way we have been living our lives, and in some cases even take radical decisions to transform them.

While many people have developed a sense that they need change, they don’t always know how to go about making it happen. Something is niggling inside. Perhaps a feeling of slight discontent, or dissatisfaction about where they are at the moment. This doesn’t necessarily mean that if you feel like this, you are unhappy. Happiness consists of little moments. It’s perfectly possible to enjoy the occasions where everything falls into place, and at the same time suffer from an overall feeling of dysphoria, without being able to put your finger on quite what the issue is. Often, feelings of general discontent are related to living with a value crisis. Values are abstract, and while situated at the core of who we are, we tend not to think much about them in our day-to-day lives.

Humans are good at living with internal contradictions, in fact our lives are full of them. A churchgoer leaves his church after a sermon about practicing altruism and compassion, and goes back to thinking that some people deserve misery and pain. A professional sportsman, having declared his love for the team and unwavering loyalty to the fans, accepts a transfer to another team which offers a better financial deal. A honest company worker, having declared on several occasions that she is unable to tell falsehoods, lies in order to avoid getting into trouble.

We all have broken our internal code from time to time. However, when we live prolonged periods of our life not in accordance with our own values and beliefs, we inevitably reach the point where something starts to bother us inside. Those are often the seeds for a desire for change, away from the internal dissonance and towards a better version of ourselves.

Deciding you are ready for change is only the first step towards achieving it. In order to be successful, this decision will need to move on to the phase of planning and then implementation. The foundations need to be laid for making this change sustainable and long-term. Possible obstacles will need to be considered, and a plan to deal with the occasional slumps and setbacks, will strongly help to maintain the momentum. It is vital to know WHAT to do and HOW to do it, and people will often successfully employ self-help books, life coaches and accountability buddies for additional support at this stage. But most importantly, you should not lose sight of WHY you decided on this change.

Knowing your ‘why’ and acting in accordance with it, is your safest bet to remain aligned to your values and your beliefs. If you are not sure where to start, the following 7 questions will help you understand your current self a bit better, focus on the right things, get unstuck and take significant steps towards the desired change. Take some time to reflect on the answers and write them down. They will give you a solid basis to understand what you will need to consider in order to create the best version of you:

  • What did you enjoy doing as a child? How did it make you feel? What stopped you (if anything) from continuing to do that?
  • Thinking back of your life, what activities have consistently produced the greatest sense of happiness and satisfaction? Are there any common themes?
  • What do you currently do that you really enjoy doing? What, if anything, can you do to do more of it?
  • What are your areas of experience or expertise that you enjoy? How could you make the most out of them?
  • What keeps you awake at nights? If you had a magic wand, what is the single biggest thing in your life that if removed, would not keep you awake any more?
  • What patterns in your head prevent you from achieving your goals? What can you do to silence them?
  • What would you be doing right now if money was no object?

You will have noticed that every single one of these questions touches on fundamental aspects of your being, such as your values, the things that make you ‘tick’ and your mindset. While change needs its time to fully unfold and show its long term benefits, approaching your current reality armed with the right set of questions, will get you in a position where you will be able to accelerate that change and make the most out of it. Taking the time to reflect on these questions and answer them for yourself honestly and transparently, will be your guide to start creating the new ‘you’, the best version of yourself.

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help people of various backgrounds find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, amplify the voice of creative people and assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.

What Gets You Out of Your Bed Each Morning?

I woke up this morning with the sounds of a bird-watching live show my wife was following on her smartphone. Now I am not the biggest bird watcher in the world, but halfway through, as I was snoozing away, one thing caught my attention. A person had written in to the show to say that looking out for that show each morning, was literally the one thing that kept him getting out of his bed in these crazy months of drastic change to our daily lives and routines.

This got me thinking about why we wake up in the morning. What are we waking up for? Some might dismiss this as a naive question. ‘I wake up to go to work’, they might say. But this is a red herring. What are you really waking up for in the morning? What are you looking forward to do in the new day that has dawned? Waking up is a given, but waking up with a purpose is not.

I remember how as a child my heart was filling with melancholy every night I was asked to go to bed. What was I afraid of? The end of a glorious day full of play and fun? Or was I dreading the start of another day full of ‘boring’ activities such as going to school, until the evenings came and I could do what I really wanted to do? I suspect it was a combination of both.

We spend most of our lives forming habits, which over time become so ingrained, that we consider them as the ‘right’ way of doing things, rather than structures which have unconsciously developed over time as we increasingly got set in our ways. Habits are not necessarily a bad thing; by providing expectations of routine, they give us a framework to work with, which helps us combat the anxiety and fear that arise as a result of uncertainty. However, habits are also detrimental to our personal development when left unchallenged for too long. They can hamper growth and lead to a stale status quo where we go passively about our lives, instead of practising mindfulness and appreciating the moments that will eventually create the memories that evidence a good life.

What are the reasons people get out of their beds for? I think they can be roughly divided into five categories. People who have developed physical exercise routines, look forward to physical activities such as physical exercise, jogging or walking in the morning. They are often addicted to the endorphin release which accompanies regular physical exercise.

Scientists, mathematicians and other problem solvers, can’t wait to get out of their beds to engage in cognitive activities. These have often something to do with the need to solve problems or puzzles. In the excellent biography of the Hungarian mathematician Paul Erdos, there is a hilarious part where his long suffering mathematician friend in whose house Erdos is staying, wakes up wild eyed after a few hours sleep. Still tired and dizzy, since he spent the whole evening in the company of his obsessive guest urging him to help solve the latest mathematical paradigm he is working on, he comes down the stairs, only to be greeted by Erdos posing him a question relating to a difficult mathematical formula, thus continuing last nights conversation. Problem solvers get out of their beds in order to solve puzzles and scientific equations.

Artists and creative people on the other side, are waking up with the desire and motivation to engage in creative activities. This could be anything from playing an instrument, painting, sculpting, building a castle of cards or creating a house made out of matchsticks, as my grandfather used to do. Either way, there is an ongoing project which is currently unfinished, and they can’t wait to fill the gaps with their creative imagination.

People who engage in meditative activities marvel at the opportunity to release their minds and bodies into states of mindfulness and concentration. Everyone who has done a morning yoga session, knows how it helps to focus the mind and body and face the day. Just like with early physical exercise, a morning routine involving meditative activity and yoga paradoxically fills the practicing individual with energy and anticipation for the coming day, rather than wearing them down.

Lastly, there is a type of activity a significant part of the population engage with each morning, which I can only describe as passive activity. This can involve getting up to switch on the TV to a regular morning program without necessarily engaging with its contents. It’s merely an act of distraction and reassurance. If you are following a particular radio or TV show, you will agree that hearing the voice of your favourite actor or presenter, or even just watching them on the screen creates a sense of familiarity and pleasant routine. Other examples of such passive activities include waking up to check social media on your smart phone to see what conversations and updates you have missed overnight and, I would add, waking up just in time to get ready and go to work, because you must.

I don’t want to sound overly negative about that last type of activity, as it can be effective with people who suffer from heightened levels of anxiety. Having a certain passive morning routine helps them to set this anxiety temporarily aside, without involving personal emotions and thoughts that can lead to more negative feelings. Unfortunately, the key word here is temporarily. Such activities merely distract from anxiety and fear, rather than completely removing it. Sooner or later, they will need to be confronted with their financial reality, their own intrusive thoughts and external factors that might trigger their anxiety. The key is to have a number of positive strategies available in order to deal with their realities, rather than resorting to passive, mind numbing activities. And many of the positive coping strategies will involve some of the other types of activities above, such as meditative activities.

What are you looking forward to every morning you get out of your bed? Is it one of the activities above, or perhaps a combination of a number of them? How do you fight the need to resort to passive activities? Create a deliberate reason now to get you out of your bed for. It will help you create purpose, mindfulness and personal fulfillment.

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help people of various backgrounds find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, and I assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.

Little Acts of Kindness Can Transform your Life

Who on here hasn’t yet seen the Netflix series ‘Afterlife’? This black comedy tells the story of a man struggling to come to terms with his wife’s death. In order to cope with his grief, he decides to take on a ‘hard’ new persona in an effort to push away those trying to help. His rationale is that by adopting this new persona, he is punishing the world for the grief that has stricken him.

The series is profound and funny at the same time, and at its core (and you especially realize this if you have watched both seasons) it has a simple message: if you suffer or otherwise lost the ability to care, hang on and keep going. Help is around the corner, and little acts of kindness from people who don’t owe you anything, can give you a complete different outlook on life.

Have you ever taken the time to reflect on the little acts of kindness that have helped you change your perspective when you most needed a new viewpoint on life? These little acts might not have meant much by themselves, but when added up, maybe they helped to shift the way you look at other people and their intentions.

On more than one occasion, I have been pleasantly surprised at people about to leave a car park, specifically waiting for another driver to walk back to their car, then approaching them and offering to give them their parking ticket to use which is still valid for another few hours. Why are they doing that? What are they gaining from this? Perhaps they just want to create a mentality where people start doing the same thing for each other, which will eventually benefit them. But there is no guarantee they will directly benefit from this. They are taking a risk which might not pay off, as others might not be as willing to engage in the same behaviour. Perhaps then, they only do this because it feels good.

When I first moved from Greece to Belgium, my mother decided that the best way for me to learn the new language, was to be registered in a Flemish speaking school, even though we had the option for me to continue my education in Greek. I didn’t speak a single word of this new language and remember being completely overwhelmed in my first day at this new school.

But the fear soon evaporated when I saw so many other pupils, not only from my class but from other classes as well, showing genuine concern to help me learn the language. My teacher bought a Greek phrases book and was using it from time to time, especially in the beginning, to help me get ‘unstuck’. He certainly didn’t have much personal benefit in learning Greek phrases (his favourite holiday destination was Spain). But he did, and it helped me to understand and adjust quicker.

When my wife and I started looking around for places to live after deciding to relocate to Wales, we saw a lot of lovely places where we could have easily ended up living. We didn’t have jobs yet or any particular reason to be at a specific location, nor any preference about where we wanted to be. When we came to look around in the town we currently live in, I was first overcome with a sense of claustrophobia. The town centre was quite densely built, and the streets narrow. In some of these areas, you need to first look ahead and make way for upcoming traffic, as there is not enough space for two cars to pass at the same time. This was certainly very different than what I was used to in Slough, and something that gave me a feeling of unease and kept telling me I should look elsewhere.

Then, out of nowhere, an elderly gentleman came out of a shop and asked us where we are from. We explained we were looking around for a new place to live. He responded with: Come and live here; it”s a wonderful place, and people are friendly”. It was clear that he was genuine, and that he was practicing the very welcoming attitude he spoke about. How could we reject such a generous offer? So here we are, still living in Llantwit Major, and we haven’t regretted it for a moment.

I frequently engage in random acts of kindness myself, and quite frankly I’m not too sure why. It just feels right. I have bought coffee for refugees in a community cafe. This was part of a scheme where you could put some money towards ‘coffee for refugees’, but there was no refugee to be seen whenever I was there. Nothing to make me feel guilty or sorry for a person in distress. Neither do I feel I have a debt towards any social groups of society; I have been working for a charity for most of my working life and I always felt this was more than enough to ‘pay my dues’. But it just felt right at that particular moment.

I used to attend a Shin Buddhist temple when I lived in Antwerp. We met weekly for meditation practice and recitations. I was very proud of a rare book I owned at the time, explaining the origins and spread of Buddhism across the continents. As soon as I finished reading the book, I felt that I should be donating it to the temple’s library. The librarian couldn’t believe it. ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. I was. Maybe I thought I can always go back and read the book there anyway (does anyone really do something like this?) I didn’t, and after a few more sessions I relocated and didn’t visit the temple any more, but the book stayed there. I sometimes miss its presence, gazing melancholically at the empty spot in my library. But I never regretted giving it away. It felt right at the time.

I believe that the most powerful element of experiencing a random act of kindness, is the fact that it makes us understand that it is futile to try to outguess people’s motives. I fully accept that some of my motivations to do good are possibly coloured by an unconscious desire to be socially accepted, or some other obscure mental process. But it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they can have a transformative effect on someone’s life. At my time working for Victim Support, we used to say that the most powerful element of being a volunteer helping victims of crime, was the fact that the selfless act of supporting someone who had just undergone a trauma as a result of someone else’s hostile behaviour, was the only thing that could transform the victim’s negative worldview. It literally gave back to the individual what was so brutally taken away. It usually didn’t matter who it was that took or gave. The very act of doing so was central to change of perspective.

What acts of kindness have you experienced in your life? How did they help you transform your views about the world we live in? Did they make you stop questioning people’s motives?

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help people of various backgrounds find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, and I assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.

Empathy is Learned, so Learn it!

I have always had a keen, almost unhealthy interest in psychopaths. I studied forensic psychology and while my past professional interest has mostly been helping victims of crime, I couldn’t help feeling an abundance of morbid fascination for this small, incomprehensible cohort of people who seem to lack remorse, moral compass and compassion. They lack empathy.

The truth is, they are not the only group in the general population which lacks empathy. This is e.g. also the case in a lot of types of autism as well. The crucial difference between the two groups, is that psychopaths know what is logically right and what is wrong, but can’t feel the difference. Autistic people however, are exactly the opposite: they feel what is right and what is wrong, but can’t always express this logically*.

Having read extensively about empathy in groups of people that don’t seem to have the ability to develop it, I have come to the conclusion that there is no excuse for the rest of us not developing it, or at least using it in our day-to-day interactions. Let’s be clear: most of you reading this blog, are not likely to be psychopaths or someone suffering from any type of syndrome which makes it almost impossible to develop empathy. You are however very likely to belong to the big majority of the population who can develop empathy and apply it.

Long time ago, I wrote my university essay on the topic of emotional intelligence. I learned that unlike cognitive intelligence (IQ), it is a largely learned skill and something that can be developed through training and practice. This is exactly the case with empathy, which is at the core of what constitutes emotional intelligence.

Speaking from personal experience, developing and maintaining empathy in my day-to-day dealings and personal relationships has been an ongoing struggle, which only improved after years of self-awareness and working on my shortcomings. I still find from time to time having to remind myself to be more empathetic when I fail to rise to the occasion. This has required me accepting that empathy is something that needs to be worked on in the first place. My intention is to show empathy at all times, and when I sometimes fail to do so, self-introspection has allowed me to accept and pledge to do better next time.

There is no doubt in my mind that we are currently living in a world which needs more empathy and compassion. Millions of people are living in conditions of poverty and unemployment as a result of the covid-19 crisis is reaching critically high levels. Thousands have been directly and indirectly hit by the virus itself. In the months and years to come, our ability to show empathy and understanding with a wide variety of people, will be key to us returning to some sort of new reality and accepting that people will need time and space to adapt to it.

If you are struggling to develop empathy in your regular interactions, and are willing to do something about this, the tips below will help you to make a good head start. The issue often starts with our intentions. While these are often genuine and not meant to harm, they don’t help us to create empathy. Start by deciding to better connect with other people. Show genuine interest in them. Make a commitment to listen and understand rather than trying to be understood.

You might be anxious to be heard and understood, as you feel you have been misunderstood in the past. In order to avoid talking over others in an attempt to ensure this doesn’t happen again, improve your communication. NLP principles tell us that people are responsible for their own communication. If your message doesn’t come across as it should, then it’s in your hand to adapt it so that the recipient understands what you want to communicate.

If you don’t understand what others are communicating to you, ask questions. Make the person feel that you really care. Don’t judge. People hate The Advice. Instead, they just want to be heard, just like you. How often do we have the opportunity in today’s hectic society to be listened to, to feel that someone genuinely cares? Not as often as we should. But maybe the lockdown and current situation which forces us to rethink and evaluate our lives, is a good opportunity for an empathy restart.

Lastly commit to continue working on your empathy skills. In our day-to-day lives it is not possible, nor desirable to feel constant empathy with everyone and everything around us. It is however possible, and more than desirable, to decide to improve our empathy to those we care most about. So practice on a daily basis. Acknowledge where you perhaps haven’t shown as much empathy as you should, and decide to do better next time.

Empathy is not optional. It is a crucial skill which has played a vital part in human evolution. It has been at least equally important for survival as selfishness has, because it has allowed us to connect with others into groups and achieve much more than we would have on our own. Tolerating and understanding individual intra-group differences and sacrificing them for the overarching group aims, has been extremely important in the development of our societies to what they have become. It is now a good time to acknowledge empathy as the vital ingredient to improve our communities and daily reality it truly is.

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help people of various backgrounds find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, and I assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.

* For further reading on how a lack of empathy is expressed differently in psychopaths and people with autistic syndroms, as well as the importance of empathy in general, I recommend the following book: Simon Baron-Cohen (2011): Zero Degrees of Empathy: A New Theory of Human Cruelty and Kindness, London: Penguin Books.

A Walk in Nature has Many Benefits

I remember how as a child, I always hated long walks. I squirmed and protested at any occasion where my mum announced that we are going for a family walk. I didn’t see any excitement in just walking around for no other purpose than the walk itself, depriving me of the opportunity to play with my toys instead. Even the chance of ending up with an ice cream or sweets in my hand was often scant, as apparently the idea was to just walk, not to buy stuff. The horror! It wasn’t even proper exercise, or sport (that was football or basketball for me). What was the point in it, and why was mother, like so many other people, keen to do it regularly?

How things have changed since then! I have learned to appreciate the many benefits of walking. For starters, it is equally valid for exercise as running. Both are considered forms of cardio exercise. Walking strengthens your heart, increases stamina and can even extend your life. Even a walk of 30 minutes a day, has been shown to have many long-term cardiovascular benefits.

But the benefits are not merely physical. There are a range of psychological and mental benefits to a long, or even a shorter walk. During a recent walk from my town to the neighbouring village of Llanmaes, I experienced most of them. A walk in nature creates a sense of stillness, tranquility and inner peace. , the silence and peace around, help you focus on your inner thoughts and feelings. But strangely enough, you are also becoming more observant of the world surrounding you and its microcosms. The day was bright, and there were carpets of flowers everywhere. We spotted the first swallows flying around this year. A water stream was inhabited by green algae, water frogs and small transparent fish. A playground looked strangely eerie with no soul in sight (as people were observing social distancing). We greeted from a distance the only two other people we saw during our walk, as they were strolling around the courtyard of a small church.

And here comes the paradox of a walk with no apparent purpose in itself. It instead creates a sense of purpose in your mind, as it helps you refocus and live the moment. It evokes a sense of gratefulness and appreciation of the present. It invites you to realign yourself with your centre.

A good walk has all the benefits of a short meditation, or a mindfulness session. Additionally, it provides the benefits of physical exercise. It is an excellent opportunity to daydream and plan creative activity, as the artists and daydreamers among us will know. And it fills your heart with gratefulness and appreciation for the beauty our senses deliver to us, helping us to focus on what is worth focusing on in our lives.

When is the last time you took a walk? Can you remember what you felt, heard and saw? What benefits have you experienced? It’s on your doorstep, so if you haven’t done it recently, go out for a walk now. It cures anxiety and negative thoughts, and replenishes the mind like no many other activities do.

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help people of various backgrounds find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, and I assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.

Finding Purpose Through Creativity

I am one of these people who can’t settle doing just one thing. I’m madly jealous at individuals who seem to be able to focus with monomaniacal obsession on a big goal in life, a purpose. Only earlier today, I was completing a worksheet in my NLP instructor’s book, asking for my purpose. I had to think long and hard and, I confess, I eventually wrote the question in my notebook for further thinking without being able to fully answer it. What’s my purpose? There are so many angles to this question. Do I need to have a purpose? Are we assuming at all that there is someone or something who has put us on Earth for a particular purpose? Personally (biological purpose aside) I don’t think this is the case. I think spiritual purpose is an individual choice albeit strongly coloured by our experiences, background and social influence. So unlike many individuals I know and clients I effortlessly assist to find their purpose in life, I don’t think I have yet found mine.

There is however a silver lining, a thread that seems to be connecting all my disparate experiences under one banner: music. Since the age of 11, I have been hearing music in my head. For that, I feel rather fortunate; instead, it could have been voices telling me to do something sinister, for instance. But hearing music intrigued me, as I couldn’t even play an instrument then (in fact it took me another 4 years until I was bought my first keyboard and started to learn to play music). What I ‘heard’ wasn’t very original in the beginning (as I only found out much later). Much of the music I heard in my head, was in fact an amalgamation of existing songs and musical pieces I was familiar with, often blatantly following the same chord patterns and structure as the original, with only a few clever alterations to the melody and arrangements. But as I struggled to find a way to express them and ‘get them out’, I realized that I was stuck with them. They were there to stay, and inhabited my head daily. They would pop up at unsuspecting moments, demanding full attention. You won’t be surprised to hear that I was considered (and still unapologetically remain ) a daydreamer.

Music has helped me through some rather dark times over the years. The first album of my metal band, of which I composed all music and wrote all lyrics, was dealing with my permanent feelings of isolation and solitude at the time. It was a greatly cathartic experience, and it also got me out and about in Europe with a small tour where I met a lot of interesting people, had fascinating experiences and made new friends. Over the years that followed, music helped me to overcome shyness, was a reason for me to get out of the house and actually do things (feel the fear and do it anyway, as the motto says) and even brought me respect and a high ‘social standing’ in certain circles. And all that because I decided to do something about the sounds I was hearing in my head.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise then to hear that music was the first thing I turned to as soon as lockdown kicked in the United Kingdom. In the previous nine months, I had precious little time for it as I had to make the small business I now owned work, and all my time was being consumed by this. However, I often felt that something was missing in my life, an escape from the physical constraints of reality to which I could flee whenever I had the need. And suddenly, this escape was there for me again, ready to take me to new places where I could acquire new experiences, and discover new worlds.

My business found itself suddenly closed, and I had to furlough my staff. As I am not a beauty ‘technician’ myself and my staff are not allowed to work during furlough, business activities are now on hold with the exception of an eCommerce store I quickly set up. There is still plenty to deal with in terms of accounting, dealing with government grants, keeping clients updated during closure and staying in touch with staff who are isolated in their homes. But I couldn’t possibly find any purpose in all of this. Unlike in making music.

Being creative with music, and any engaging activity in general, brings us in a state of Flow, as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi demonstrated in his fascinating book with the same name. And this is exactly what happened once I found the time to concentrate on being creative again. Within weeks I recorded and released an album with piano music, I did Facebook live shows and released several videos in which I performed my music from my room. In the process I made quite a few people happy and kept them entertained during their own isolation. I also created my own universe again, my ‘centre’ where I feel happy and fulfilled. Time flew, but didn’t feel lost.

I’m expecting that in this instance, a lot of you will protest. ‘But I’m not a creative person’ you might say. Truth is, that even though a lot of people believe this, in fact most of us are. It’s just that in the society we live in, particular emphasis has been given to certain types of creativity, such as creating art. But creativity can manifest in various ways. It can be seen in the way in which you tend your garden, in how you pour your tea, or how you negotiate traffic lights as a creative musician pointed out in a podcast interview I did a few years ago. The crucial point however, where creativity can make the difference in your life and help you create your own world of purpose, focus and happiness is when it meets not only your creative needs, but also your purpose.

There, I said that word again. And it does look like upon reflection (and through writing this blog), I have found my purpose after all: I want to move, entertain and influence people’s thoughts and feelings, by creating positive energy and change. I accept that this can mean something different to each person individually and I’m always keen to find out what it means to each individual, in order to help them get to that place of utter fulfillment and flow. I can also now see how music will always play a central role in all of this.

What about you? What is your purpose, your ‘why’, your centre? What keeps you sane and fulfilled in these highly unusual times of social distancing and financial uncertainty in the world?

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help people of various backgrounds find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, and I assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.

How a Gratefulness Journal Can Help With Your Isolation

One of the most difficult aspects of dealing with the current disruption to our lives due to Covid-19, must surely be the lack of structure we suddenly find ourselves struggling with. I remember three years ago, when my father-in-law retired, having worked most of his life in a highly structured job with managerial responsibilities, what massive adjustments he had to make in order to get used to a life where he had to structure his days himself, rather than having this done externally by his work duties. Three years on, and there are still aspects of his new life needing a different type of structure and focus, he can’t get used to. Likewise, when I moved from Slough to South Wales a few years ago, I also found myself in a position where for many months I had to find a way to not only structure my daily routine, but also figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I regularly attended business networking meetings to create a semblance of normality, and attempted to use the rest of my time as constructively as possible engaged in creative activities, learning and self-development.

The human mind doesn’t like chaos. It likes regularity and routine. And when there are none available, then anxiety and doubts emerge. Negative thoughts emerge, brand new ‘enemies’ to think and worry about are created, and suddenly the mind has spawned a whole new vicious circle of worries and problems to be preoccupied with. Our minds are designed to avoid lack of structure, but also to avoid a vacuum. Sensory deprivation research has revealed that people who spend time in an environment where a combination of isolation and lack of stimulation occurs, develop symptoms of agitation, tension and restlessness. They also experience disturbed and obsessional thinking, and eventually panic.

Helping people to develop a set of strategies creating structure and positive routine in their lives, is one of my regular challenges as a life coach and psychologist. Goal setting, breaking down ‘big’ thoughts into smaller ones and developing positive habits are all powerful ways to take control of your mind, and create your own rhythm and routine, rather than relying on external events and stimuli to bring them to you. But we are not always prepared and ready to work on the ‘big’ stuff. Sometimes we just need a small task to focus our brain on the positives of the day. Such a positive routine can be easily created, if we spend a short time a day, perhaps not even longer than 15 minutes, to focus on what we decide has mattered in the day that has just passed.

I remember how during my transition period after moving from Slough to Wales, during one of my coaching sessions, my coach asked me to keep a gratefulness journal. This was met with initial reservation from my side. I always thought of myself as a grateful person, someone who doesn’t take things for granted. Most days of my life I do take some time to reflect on the things I am grateful for, such as a lovely wife, supporting family, two fluffy Birman cats and musical inspiration which allows me to lose myself in a self-created universe, and temporarily distract my mind from the minor woes of daily existence. However, what hadn’t occurred to me, is the power of actually committing these thoughts of positivity and gratefulness to paper.

The human brain is a wonderfully flexible instrument. It quickly gets used to new routines and sets new goals and expectations when you train it to do so. Having had to force myself for the first few weeks to keep that journal, I eventually started to see its benefits. My mind started to long for the daily moment of introspection, where I sat down and wrote on paper the three positive things I would keep from the day.

I see some of you frowning at this stage, and questioning how you can find positivity in a day where nothing positive has happened. How can you be positive in a world where you are reminded every moment of the day by TV and social media that there is a global pandemic going on, destroying people’s health and livelihoods and restricting their daily lives and sources of entertainment? The answer lies within yourself. You can find positivity when you decide to reframe your life experiences as positive. You can decide now that one of today’s positives was the fact that you have made a resolution only to check the news once a day, on the most reliable news source of your choice. You can decide that it has been a good day, because both you and your family are still in good spirits at a time of a global pandemic. You can decide that the day has been good after all, because despite the fact your business is currently closed and your don’t have an income, you and your loved ones are still in good health.

Thinking in positives is like medicine to the brain. Soon you will have it trained to think spontaneously in positive terms, and to not resort easily to catastrophizing. Even at your darkest of days, you will have the ability to pull yourself together, start reframing your experiences and change the narrative in your mind.

I recommend you set aside some time during every day, perhaps just before going to sleep, to sit down with your gratefulness journal and write three positives that have occurred today. They don’t have to be life changing experiences, I made myself and my partner the best cup of tea I remember in a while will do. By doing this, you will start training your mind to reframe your experiences in a positive way, and at the same time you will gift yourself some of the structure and routine you need to get through the social distancing isolation during the lockdown. Moreover, having committed your thoughts to paper, you will be able to return to them at a later stage and remind yourself of your strengths, resources and coping strategies during some of your difficult times.

Act now, and start changing your life.

Kostas The Coach is a Psychologist, Life and Small Business Coach and NLP Practitioner based in Llantwit Major, Wales. I help people of various backgrounds find the ideal intersection between profit, joy and values in their lives, and I assist businesses to grow sustainably while remaining aligned to their why.

If any of the topics discussed here has intrigued you, I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me on Kostasthecoach@gmail.com or contact me via telephone or SMS on 07725653870.